


How to Lose Your Tail and Have Fun at the Same Time

by thekeyholder



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Banter, Crack, First Time, Hand Jobs, M/M, pretending to be having sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 15:02:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15731826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekeyholder/pseuds/thekeyholder
Summary: Oswald and Jim were both set up and they find themselves in a tiny room in a warehouse. They need to get rid of some shady guys, so Jim's brilliant idea is for them to have sex. Well, to pretend anyway.This story ends just the way you think it will. ;)





	How to Lose Your Tail and Have Fun at the Same Time

**Author's Note:**

> This is my submission for Gobblepot Summer 2018, prompt 'heat'. Many thanks to genmitsu for all her help :)
> 
> Enjoy! :)

Oswald walked into the warehouse alone, as per the agreement with a potential business partner. His men were scattered around the area, so he was not worried. When he entered, Oswald saw a lonesome figure on the other side, dressed in a white shirt and dark blue chinos. He was convinced it was the mystery man, until he turned around.

 

“Gotcha,” Jim said, walking towards Oswald purposefully, even when the gangster stopped in his tracks. “What are you doing here, Oswald?”

 

The retort died on Oswald’s tongue when Jim put his hands on his hips, drawing attention to his muscular arms. Damn it, why was he wearing such a tight shirt? Was it the new GCPD summer uniform?

 

He explained briefly about the business meeting, Jim watching him curiously. “How about you, detective? What brings you here? Thought you’d catch me red-handed?”

 

“I had no idea you’d be here. We got a tip about an illegal auction, I came undercover.”

 

Oswald very much liked his undercover attire, especially the slightly unbuttoned shirt. Before he could ogle Jim’s neck more, however, there were strange sounds and voices coming from the annex.

 

“I thought you were supposed to meet this new guy from Chicago,” Jim grunted, hand reaching out for Oswald, trying to push him back.

 

“I was,” Oswald said, eyes darting around. “I don't like this, Jim. We need to get going.”

 

He barely finished the sentence when Jim's fingers locked around his wrist, pulling him towards a door in the back. Oswald knew his leg was a huge inconvenience, but Jim helped him along the dark corridors, his hand firm around Oswald's back.

 

“I'm sorry, Jim, I don't think I can keep up,” Oswald said, pain flaring up in his leg and on the left side of his abdomen as he struggled to breathe. “You should go and leave me here.”

 

“No way,” Jim replied, fingers tightening on Oswald's side. “There must be a room somewhere…”

 

After long moments of fumbling in the darkness, Jim's hand bumped into a doorknob. He yanked it open and pushed Oswald inside, locking the door.

 

There was only a tiny window in the room, through which a thin ray of light poured in, illuminating Oswald's pale face, conferring it an ethereal quality.

 

“Any ideas?” Jim asked, leaning against the door, wiping his brows.

 

Oswald was distracted by a trickle of sweat on Jim's neck, swallowing hard. The detective was always wearing suits which, while they gave him a distinguished look and emphasised certain characteristics, also hid other assets like his neckline or toned arms.

 

“We need to pretend to be doing something not related to our jobs… something that would make them run away.”

 

Jim looked at him expectantly, but Oswald's mind was not functioning properly in the small and dark room. Not even mentioning Jim's proximity. “I'm blanking.”

 

“Let's have sex,” Jim blurted out.

 

“What?!”

 

“I mean, let's pretend,” Jim quickly amended, and even though he couldn't see much, Oswald was sure the detective was burning with embarrassment.

 

“That's just plain ridiculous!”

 

“Exactly. They will want to leave as soon as possible.”

 

“This is your stupidest idea, James, and you've had a few of those.”

 

“Do you have a better one?” Jim said with his ear against the door. “Come on, they're getting closer!”

 

Oswald swallowed. “You start.”

 

Jim rolled his eyes. “Ah.”

 

Oswald started giggling, then put a hand over his mouth when he saw Jim's murderous look. 

 

“Oswald,” Jim growled.

 

“I'm sorry, I can't-” 

 

Before he could finish the sentence, Jim took hold of his shoulders and swapped their positions, slamming Oswald against the door.

 

“Jim!”

 

“That's a good start. Louder.”

 

Oswald glared at Jim, wrapping his hands around the detective's, who was still holding on to Oswald's shoulders. “Fuck you.”

 

“That's what we're trying to accomplish!” Jim whispered. “Now, get to moaning!”

 

Oswald did, though even to his ears it was quiet. He expected an admonishment, but Jim just leaned in. “You don't want to get caught, do you?”

 

Oswald could feel Jim's breath against his cheek. He shook his head.

 

“Good. I'll start, but you have to work with me, okay? I need your help, Oswald.”

 

The gangster was blushing as he nodded, not letting go of Jim.

 

Jim moaned once, Oswald following. Somehow he managed not to break out in giggles, but he thought it would be more effective if they also talked. That would take his mind off the strangeness and hilarity of the situation.

 

“Fuck me, Jim!” he shouted, the detective startled momentarily.

 

“Yeah, baby,” Jim continued, rattling the door with his hand. “I'll fuck you so hard, you won’t be able to walk straight.”

 

Oswald blinked. As if he could anyway. Jim winced, though, no doubt realising his error, so he decided to spare the detective further embarrassment.

 

“Oh god, Jim. I'm so hard for you.”

 

Jim looked at him, lips parted, then shook his head. “You like that, don't you?”

 

“Yes! Undress me, please!”

 

“Your silk underwear is getting in the way!” Jim growled, and Oswald sniggered. If only Jim knew…

 

“Rip it off, Jim!”

 

Jim’s eyes widened for a moment. The footsteps from outside were getting louder, so Jim pushed against Oswald with his hips, banging the door rhythmically with their bodies.

 

“Fuck. My dick is so sweaty!” Jim screamed.

 

Oswald couldn't help a whispered  _ what the fuck _ escaping his lips, Jim shrugging, but it was evident that he was embarrassed. 

 

Concentrating on his task, Oswald gripped Jim’s biceps harder. “Yeah, fuck me harder, darling.”

 

Jim listened to his command, thrusting his hips, Oswald whining loudly. The room seemed even hotter, and he felt completely removed not just from the world, but from his sanity. 

 

“You're so tight, baby,” Jim grunted, and Oswald threw his head back, suddenly very much aware of the erection he had and how it was getting harder with Jim's every word, even though it was all theatre. “I’ve never wanted anyone more.”

 

His tone was different and Oswald opened his eyes, found Jim staring at his lips. The next thrust was like an electroshock to his system, Jim's boner brushing hard against his and Oswald moaned for real now.

 

“Oswald!”

 

“Faster, Jim, I'm going to come!” he screamed for their audience on the other side of the door, who were mortified and commenting on this weird tryst they were witnessing. Against Jim's soft lips, however, Oswald's wish was different. “Kiss me, Jim.”

 

Barely breathed, the words hot and needy. Jim couldn't resist, his hands steadily on Oswald's hips as their mouths met in a fierce kiss. 

 

Jim was rotating his hips in a dizzying manner, sending shivers down Oswald's spine. He stayed close, lips hovering over Oswald's, hanging on to him, hands touching Oswald needily.

 

“I’m not going to resist for long!” Jim exclaimed and Oswald heard the offended noises the men outside made.

 

“Jesus Christ, get a proper room, you idiots!” a gruff voice said, hitting the door once.

 

“Fuck off!” Jim and Oswald replied at the same time, sharing a kiss as the men left the premises. 

 

They moaned a few more times for good measure, just staring at each other, distracted by the charged atmosphere.

 

“I think they left.”

 

“Yes, they have.”

 

Oswald was afraid Jim would get off of him and leave, like all those times they got too close and Jim fled. But the detective did not even take a step back this time. He raised his right hand to Oswald's face and kissed him slowly, igniting his want all over again.

 

Their real encounter was much more silent and intimate compared to the show they put on. Jim kissed along Oswald's jawline, his lips hot and perfect against Oswald's skin. “Oswald…”

 

The gangster held Jim tightly, pressing close to him, his desire and need just as great. Oswald surprised even himself when his fingertips skirted around Jim's bulge, swallowing as he threaded unexplored territory.

 

“Please touch me,” Jim begged, light falling over his face as he moved, and Oswald was enthralled by the the look in his eyes, soft and full of desire.

 

It wasn't a game anymore.

 

Oswald's hands shook as he struggled with Jim's belt, distracted as he was by his kisses. He slowly touched Jim above his boxers, seeking permission. The detective nodded, sighing against his mouth once Oswald's fingers dipped below the waistline.

 

Jim was so hot and hard in his hand, he started trembling at the first tugs. 

 

“Oswald.”

 

The gangster had never heard his name uttered like that and his own dick twitched in response. He wanted Jim to touch him so badly, but wasn't sure whether the detective would reciprocate.

 

As if reading his mind, Jim lowered his hands to Oswald's hips. “Can I…?”

 

“Oh yes, please,” Oswald whispered, mouth opening as he watched Jim unzip his trousers and huff a laugh as he discovered that Oswald was, indeed, wearing silk underwear.

 

“I won’t rip it off,” Jim said cheekily, tugging it down so he could take Oswald’s cock in his hand.

 

“Appreciate it,” Oswald added with a laugh before they met in a kiss, Jim moaning into it as Oswald’s thumb brushed over the tip of his dick.

 

“Fuck, Oswald. Why haven’t we done this before?” Jim whispered, thrusting into Oswald’s fist desperately.

 

Oswald pressed a kiss to his neck, leaning in. “Because you’re stubborn,” he whispered, moaning as Jim makes a twisting motion.

 

“Not anymore,” Jim panted, and Oswald scrunched his eyes shut, too many emotions swirling in his chest. “Not about you or this.”

 

Oswald put a hand to the back of Jim’s head and brought him closer. They had to kiss at that, as if they had just sealed a promise. Their bodies were impossibly close to each other, hands jerking frantically, the heat between their bodies searing. 

 

Jim was the first one to spill, moaning in the crook of Oswald’s neck and pressing kisses there as Oswald came too, his hold tightening while Jim’s tugs slowed down. For a moment they just panted against each other, cheeks flushed and hot, sweat trickling down the side of their faces. Oswald stroked Jim’s hair as they shared a few more kisses in the afterglow, sated but still very much needing their closeness.

 

Oswald tucked Jim back, then took a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe his sticky hand, offering it to Jim as well. After they cleaned up somewhat, Oswald was suddenly very nervous, unable to look into Jim’s eyes.

 

Jim didn’t let him go, though, placing his hand on Oswald’s shoulder. “Uh… do you need a ride? I suppose your deal’s off, and you can’t really be walking like that…”

 

Oswald sucked in a breath. Maybe there was a change that Jim wouldn’t try to pretend this never happened. “Sure, if you’re offering. Although I must say that my current state is your fault.”

 

Jim smiled, leaning in close to whisper in Oswald’s ear. “Let me make it up to you?” The gangster could see Jim's nervousness in his eyes, despite his confident exterior.

 

“Anytime, Jim.” Oswald brushed his hair and kissed him passionately, erasing any doubt the detective might have had.

 

They walked down the corridor holding hands.

 

“You know, Jim, I would never have imagined you to be so lousy at dirty talk.”

 

“Shut up, Oswald.”

 

“It's a skill you can improve.”

 

Jim sighed. “I suppose we'll have to practice then.”

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact, I actually heard the "my dick is so sweaty" expression with my own ears. When I was 10, I was in a summer camp and these two girls showed me a cassette they'd recorded when they were bored, where they pretended to be having sex. xD


End file.
